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As we debate what has happened to our children and how to fix it, why do we not discuss our families? As we discuss what to do about fathers' rights and children's rights, why do we not discuss memories lost forever in a maze of endless court battles and rewritten history? Why do we not see future tears and sadness of those who will have no photographs to pass down to the next generation?
Photos that were never taken at those birthday parties. Photos never taken at graduations. Photos never taken at weddings, births, and family reunions. When our children one day ask about their family tree, will it be without photographs and names of the non-custodial side of their family? Family members who were callously eliminated from their children's lives by a custodial parent and an uncaring legal system?
Missing family tree?
Picture this, one day your child says to you "where is our Family Album. I have to do a family tree for a school project." Or one day, your child simply asks to see pictures of their relatives.
So you take out your Family Album, and your child begins to turn each page. A look of confusion covers their face and their eyes look sad. "Where is my daddy? (Or mommy?) Where is Grandpa and Grandma Jones? I see Grandpa and Grandma Smith, but where are the pictures of the rest of my family?
Do I look like my daddy? (Or mommy)?" your child questions. What do you answer to a child who waits for an honest answer from a parent they trust and love?
When I open my Family Album, I can revisit my past. I can see where I came from, and there is no doubt who I look like. I can look at my Father and remember a strong, hard working, loving Father. A Father who taught me values, morals, and to fight for what I believed in even if people throw stones. I can't imagine not having pictures of my Father in my Family Album. Some day I will lose my best friend, my Father. To never be able to see his face again, if only in a picture, would be tragic.
In my Family Album, I can see the Mother who gave birth to me and made sacrifices for me. A Mother who knew and understood that her daughter didn't always listen to her advice. I can see a strong person who I'm sure I caused pain from time to time as I grew into an adult. Never once did my Mother abandon me when I made mistakes in life. Every day in this harsh world of ours, I thank my Mother for teaching me how to be a Lady, a Woman, and an Independent Person.
Remembering the past
We cannot bring back the past, nor re-create special and important events in our children's lives. Once a graduation has taken place and a father (or mother) wasn't there to have their picture taken with the graduate, we cannot recapture nor conjure up these lost images. How sad they will one day wonder why there are no photographs of the "other" parent or "other" relatives whenever there was a special occasion in their lives.
When I open my Family Album, I can see very special grandparents I dearly miss today. Grandparents who loved me for myself and expected nothing in return but love. They were there when I needed support, another shoulder to cry on, or another perspective on life. My Grandparents passed on to me in story and pictures my family history and family legacy. They enabled me to keep my family history alive in my heart, in my memory, and in pictures.
Who could forget my great-grandfather and our trips to the old soda shop in town. While I sipped on my soda, I watched other grandfathers playing checkers and talking about the good ol' days. So many memories time cannot erase. My great-grandfather told me all about my great-grandmother whom I never got to meet. Whenever he talked of her and touched her photograph, his face would light up and his eyes would tear up as he spoke her name even 20 years after her death.
Too many children are left with empty photo albums before they were given a choice. Before they were given a chance to know the other parent and other relatives. No one asked these children if one day they would like to see photographs of their "other" parent and "other" family. No thought these children would care.
When I open my Family Album, Auntie Lou is there in her too bright clothes and big smile. Auntie Lou was such an individualist. I always admired her free spirit and guts to be herself. Then there is Uncle Joe who was a little short and fat, but he could cook better than most women. Together they were the talk of the town and sometimes it was rather cruel gossip. They lived life to the fullest with an undying love for each other. No matter small minded people, Auntie Lou would say. As long as you know the truth, that's all that matters.
Family ties
Our family, both sides, shape who we are and fill our lives with valuable memories. We steal from these children irretrievable moments they could have enjoyed in their lives.
In my Family Album, Uncle Frank, is always throwing horseshoes. We all thought he'd quit one day. Uncle Frank wasn't very good, but we didn't tell him that - he enjoyed the game too much. Uncle Frank loved children and he loved horseshoes. Oh, and he loved his wife, my Aunt Laurie. She always told him with a big smile and lots of love in her eyes "it was the wind honey. Keep practicing." I always thought it was sad they could never have any children of their own. How lucky their foster children were and what memories captured in photographs they made together.
When I open my Family Album, tears fill my eyes when I touch a picture of my brother, John, my best friend, who died too young. John taught me true sibling love. Without his short time on earth, I may never have known how wonderful it was to have a brother who didn't see my faults - only his big sister. When I touch his photo, I know John still watches over his big sister from Heaven.
Sadness fills my heart for those children who will never know their "other" grandparents and "other" relatives because death took them away before they could know the truth. Before a child could decide what their best interests were for themselves.
My Family Album has lots of good memories and memories which bring tears to my eyes. But, they are my times and my memories forever frozen in photographs. Photographs I can take out and look at whenever I chose.
If my memories become faded or foggy with time and age, I can open up my Family Album and smile again while I remember. I can be sad at the loss of family members because they meant so much to me. I can touch their photos and thank God they were in my life because they are a part of who I am today. Any sadness turns to a loving memory of what I had in my life. Memories no one can take from me. Memories I can pass onto my own children.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world!
Who will tell the children?
Do you want to be the one who has to explain why there are no pictures of the "other" parent? Do you want to explain why there are no pictures of "other relatives"?
Who has the right to steal any child's heritage and Family Album from them? What of all those special moments? Precious memories never captured on film with the "other" parent and "other" relatives. Never mind. You have those precious memories of you and your side of the family with your children. It can't be that important to a child, can it? What do they know. They are only children.
All I see and read in our media anymore is how the custodial parent (predominantly mothers) feel the pain when on those rare occasions they lose custody of their children. Perhaps if more mothers felt the pain an empty photo album causes their children, they would understand what they are doing to their own children. Was it fair to take their memories away from them? Oh, I forgot - you did what was best for your children.
Selfish and controlling come to mind. Not love nor best interests of our children, when I think of all these innocent children who will never see if they looked like their daddy (or mommy). Nor will they ever know the memories of those of us who have a Family Album. How will these children retrace their family history one day?
Do Judges, Lawyers, Counselors, or anyone in our legal system, understand what their decisions are doing to our children and non-custodial parents? Do they all have a Family Album? Can they fathom future memories they are stealing from our children and non-custodial parents?
Those who are deciding the best interests of our children have forgotten and do not care whether there will be photos for our children. They don't even care whether these children will have unanswered questions they take to their graves themselves one day.
Do we really understand the consequences and repercussions of things we do today in the name of the best interests of our children?
How many Empty Photo Albums will there be in the 21st Century?
Pearle Harbour is the author of Guerilla "Divorce" Warfare and founder of R.E.A.L. Women USA.
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