Many men would rather die than win, and in the process they condemn their children to life without father. Men need to be less concerned about proving they're right, and more concerned about winning their own battles so they can join the war.
As a woman who regularly works to defend pro-se guys against the "failure to support" charges that lead to jail time, my biggest problem has been to successfully defend men only to see them turn around and repeat the same crap that led to criminal charges in the first place. They seem destined to remain on a path to self-destruction, and it is pointless to help those who refuse to help themselves.
Nor are they alone. Everyone is so wrapped up in their little pet peeves about minutia regarding what should and shouldn't be in the men's movement. I really don't give a crap. The real issue ought to be defending men's rights as a whole, not arguing over which pot to pee in.
Procrastination is another thing that I find quite disturbing. Many men wait until the day before they're due in court before they take action. Then they email me with a plea for help, but there's little I can do. Another one bites the dust. That has to be one of the most common self defeating acts I witness.
Once when we had a judgment for us for $8,000.00, the DA failed to give it or the accrued interest to us for four years. Finally, we got a judge who mandated that they adjust their records. Even now they haven't done that, and three months later they are still cooking the books for their Title VI-D monies. We filed a contempt, injunction against the DA, and an immediate stay. We'll be in court December 2, 1997. (We won - see below for more details.)
Another self-defeating action is not paying support because you lost your job, or had a reduction in pay, extraordinary hardship - whatever. Here again - this is where the arrears accrue. Don't ever call up the DA and say you can't pay because of "whatever." File a Motion for reduction in support and give evidence. Ask that the support be reduced retroactively to the time of hardship.
Sometimes they won't reduce the support retroactively, then confront the court and ask them why they allow child support to be assessed retroactively. Sure you may not get the answer you want, but at least the issue of inequity is preserved on the record for appeal. And another thing, even if you have to starve for a week, order your transcripts right after the hearing. It saves you bucks and the court reporter and judge won't have time to alter the record. (Yes this does happen!)
One final pet peeve of mine is fear of appeals. There should be no fear. Appeals are easier than regular court hearings. They are mechanical in nature. The reason I feel appeals are so feared is that you actually have to go to the law library and learn about your case.
If you have an unjust trial verdict, the result should not be to put your tail between your legs and slink off, but to get pissed and fight. I do not understand the latest in human male evolution: those who were once warriors are now wimps.
There will be no light shed on men's plight unless the appeals courts and state supreme courts are inundated with fathers who stand on their rights as parents. Believe it or not, in MLB v. SLB Justice Ginsberg issued some real scathing opinions about parental denial, and we should all look to that as well other opinions such as Santosky v. Kramer, Boddie, Lassiter, and of course Hicks v. Feiock.
You guys pride yourselves on your stoicism, but let me tell you, when there is a family court action against you, you all turn into a bunch of blubber-heads, and hope the bitch will go away. That won't happen.
Blubber for a day or two, then get angry and fight back. You have to realize that the bitches have an intricate network of telling others how to handle divorce situations. Even courthouses hold workshops for women on how to take men to the cleaners. We are going to have to learn to do the same. Instead of sharing gripes, how about if we share pending court cases that are a few weeks away when there is still time to put our heads together and mount some sort of legitimate defense. Not this, "help me, I have to go to court tomorrow!" crap.
You can do the same. Find some area of activism that would be well-received in your area and start educating your fellows about the inequities that abound, and the erosion of everyone's constitutional rights. Pick an issue out of the paper and turn it into that evenings topic and how it affects everyone. There is a lot than can be done besides bitching and moaning (spare me).
My husband and I have fought the system for 10 years and we are winning and doing well. That's because we don't take shit lying down. If the DA issues paperwork, even though we have to drive 400 miles, we will file and serve whatever it takes to get back at the DA. We don't sit there and hope things will go away, and neither can you.
Contempt of court fine was $450 fine to the DA, applied to arrearages. Our last hearing in August 1997 was to fix arrearages, and we had the transcript where the judge specifically stated that "what was his is, what is hers is hers, I don't want these people in my court anymore, this matter is done, done, done."
Of course we attached that as an exhibit, as well as the attempted seizure of assets that no longer existed (issued 10 days after the fixing of arrearages), and the attempted garnishment of SSD benefits to the tune of $810. We also filed a stay of execution which was granted upon showing of good cause.
We got the judge to say on the record that the DA is to get their accounting straight, that this matter will not appear in front of the court again (one of our injunctive requests on the quash and contempt), and the contempt was upheld sanctioning the DA $450 for our time/traveling costs (all of which we asked for).
The judge stated for the record that this will be straightened out!
We get the transcripts in February 1998, when my husband will pay off the nominal arrearages remaining. The judge has agreed, on our suggestion, that he become the witness and so reflect in the record that payoff has been made so the DA will have no further recourse!
Our battle is over, but the war is just beginning. Fathers are growing indignant and losing their patience with the system. Sitting across from me in the waiting room was a guy that just wailed on his attorney. He was the second guy that day I overheard doing this. I pulled him to one side and explained who I was, and that I just had to listen in on what he was saying. I told him that he was right on target, and to continue that energy. After I told him I had been in litigation for 10 years, he wanted to back off, but I told him to be strong and stand on his rights. He was not the only one railing their attorney for so called "good (great) deals".
The DAs are getting more power, but as the crunch on men becomes stronger, the instinct to fight is raising its head. Hats off to those who fight!
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