What do women really want?
Great smelling cologne, fixing things in your tight t-shirt and jeans ..."Is there anything else I can do for you ma'am?" followed by a wicked grin ... Leading... Leading anywhere... on the dance floor, talking to the waiter... buying the tickets... Asking us out up front and direct...A sense of excitement and the unexpected when we see you...making love in the car listening to the music we grew up with.. A rogue in a drop-dead European suit and beautiful leather shoes... a great car, educated vocabulary and good manners ... The skill of listening well before you try to fix us ... Going out of your way to bring us soup when we're sick ... Balding or hairy, a guy who likes himself.
All of the above triggers have something in common - assertive behavior. Give us men who are strong. A man wants a beautiful woman and a woman wants a man who can provide for her financially and emotionally. It's not sexist or wrong for us to want what turns us on. It's just the way we are hard-wired.
Emotional strength is shown by strong communication skills and not all men know how to achieve this. Let's start at the beginning.
Visual Contact
The first gatekeeper to sexual attraction is the way you look. Candidly, a woman checks out your shoes and accessories to figure out your financial status. She wants to know how you live your life, and lifestyle is important, especially to the woman who wants to settle down and have children.
She wants to know that you can provide for her, or at least hold up your end of the mortgage. Hiding your financial status by dressing down, cultivating a low profile so that you can ferret out the golddiggers is not the wisest move. You could lose out on some great women who can't decipher sign language. Clothes do make the man. When one of my clients buffs up, he attracts considerably more beautiful women. And what are the men who attract the most women wearing? Great looking threads.
Verbal Contact
I'm going to give you a formula that works great. "Just being yourself" is fine, but doesn't work if you feel like a petrified toad. So, do this:
- Say something to her about what is going on in your immediate environment, "Boy, the cheese dip is great tonight."
- Say something personal about yourself regarding that cue (it endears you to us)..."I really like Swiss cheese myself."
- Ask her an open-ended question, "How do you think they made this dip anyway?" How, what and why are good opening words which allow her to give an answer that isn't just yes or no. .. Consider: "Do you like the dip?"..."No." - failed maneuver.
Other approaches that work include,"Hi Jane.... Oh, I'm sorry, you looked like Jane, well, hello anyway, I'm Jon," and other variations of, "You look just like Jane, only better."
Don't forget the humble approach used by many a jerk with great success, "Hi, My name is Tom, I just couldn't leave here tonight without meeting you."
The most important trait to acquire is the attitude that you have a right to walk the face of the earth. If you feel that you are somewhere lower than a slug in a latte, we should talk. Remember that even John Wayne wore lifts in his shoes. And walking tall is an acquired skill. If you practiced confident conversation as much as you practice TV or computing you'd get dates. Just DO it.
Sexual Contact
Wait until she gives you obvious signs that she wants to be kissed. She pulls on your jacket, leans against you, or grabs your hand. You see her playing with her hair, bouncing her leg, looking down, then up at you in a coy shy fashion. She will escalate this type of behavior hoping to get your affection.
This is what you want her to do. You do not want her to pull away because you come on too fast - you want her to want it.
Women always give these signals! If you try to kiss her and she freezes up, it's a sign that she's not ready. It does not mean she won't ever be ready! Calm down. Watch for a few dates and read her body language. If she gives you non-verbal signals by touching you more and more, kiss her. Before you get to this point, confine your advances to holding hands or gently putting your hand on her back now and then. She will think more highly of you if you wait. It's a test of your dominant behavior (the ability to pace her), your kindness and consideration. If you rush things and constantly push for sex, she'll see you as a jerk.
After you have dated her two or three times, if she doesn't show signs of touching you more, try to kiss her and see how she reacts. If she gives you the cold fish, pulls away, or is not showing any of the above behaviors - sorry, but nine times out of ten, it's because she is not interested in you. She may continue to go out with you because 1) She is lonely 2) You are a convenient meal ticket 3) You are good at rescuing her 4) She's afraid she'll hurt you when she dumps you.
You think in time she will come around and leave Edwardo? You believe when she gets through her "busy work schedule" or comes back from France that she'll warm up to you and it's been six months? Well, if she isn't kissing you or letting you touch her by the third or fourth date, there's very little possibility that it will ever happen. Get a clue: You are acting like a doormat. I'll bet you've heard the "f" word once too often.
Friend is another word for "NO SEX."
This guy loves to hang around and buy her dinner, hoping she will finally come across. The more he lets her treat him like a friend, the less likely she will ever see him as a lover. Stop torturing yourself! Go out and find someone who will appreciate you. And read my book, What the Hell Do Women Really Want .
So, let's say she does want to kiss you and lets you touch her, when do you know when she's ready?
There's a point when a woman decides to make love and that point is reached when you drive her crazy with desire by not touching her where she is most sensitive. Less obvious areas are more erotic and conducive to fabulous foreplay than you would know.
How do you figure out which areas these are? Explore first. Listen to the sounds she makes. Remember and repeat what you were doing when she made them. It's her signal.
A dead giveaway is a louder sound; women sometimes even amplify their sounds when you finally find the right spot to let you know that you're on target. Also ask. Try: "Where would you like me to touch you? "Like this? Harder? Softer?"
Speak in a patient, gentle and supportive manner. And try to lose your business voice, you are not assembling a car! Talk to her about how good you feel with her. Tell her that you respect her boundaries and assure her that you will wait. Foreplay begins with communicating, and it starts the moment you first speak.
Women need to hear that it's okay to go slow. In fact, paradoxically, telling her this may cause her to speed up! When there is no pressure, there is nothing to resist. Aggressive sexual behavior like pushing yourself on her either physically or verbally will only turn her off.
What doesn't work
- "You've gotten me so turned on, and now I have to go home like this? Do you know how hard this (it) is?"
- "Would you like me to rub your back?"
- "What are you, frigid?" ( No, just around jerks, thank god)
- Refusing to wear a condom because you don't run around with drug addicts!
- Asking a woman if she climaxes easily before having any sexual contact, or talking about intimate sexual details when you barely know her. This is not erotic, nor does it get her in the mood - it's just plain rude.
- Asking a woman to take a shower before you have oral sex with her. How would you like it if we jumped up and washed out our mouth after having oral sex with you? If cleanliness is important, arrange to take a shower together first.
- And guaranteed to turn her off: Touch her breasts or vagina as soon as you can.
When she does yield to you, act assertive.
Get on top if you can. You are establishing yourself as the man.... you are the man - aren't you? Play with her. Pin her hands down with yours, over her head, or at her sides. Try pinning both her hands down with one of yours. Light bondage with soft material is sexy.
Ask first. Read her facial expressions. If she smiles, or at least will discuss it, she probably won't mind if you approach her the right way. This does not mean to jump out of the closet with handcuffs! Start by using soft scarves. Run them over her body softly, get her in the mood, then ask her if she'd like to play at being tied up. Suggest that she ties you up first if she feels safer.
Caution: If she says she doesn't like it stop immediately. Some women have been abused and find it scary. A good idea if your mate starts to freeze up is to have her get on top of you. It gives her a sense of control.
After you make love, always talk with her. Do not fall asleep. If she seems to go on a bit, she's nervous. Hold her and listen if you want her affection to continue. Court her, treat her with respect and she will return to you for more. Remember gentlemen, before you can have great sex, you have to attract the woman through her emotional center which is her heart.
What works
Always tell her she is beautiful. Never, ever tell her she is overweight. She already knows it! Never reinforce her negative view of herself. Have a serious talk with her only if you have clearly decided that you will leave her unless she loses it.
Do detective work. Discover what she believes no one appreciates about her personality - figure out what her hidden, less than obvious strengths are. Let her know that you do appreciate her for them. For example, admire how hard she tries, how wonderful it is that she is so emotional ( even if it scares the hell out of you), praise her artistic ability. If she has a beautiful figure, you talk about how smart she is. If she has a Ph.D., compliment her beauty. Learn the obvious, then compliment her on those hidden talents.
Pick a special word or phrase to describe her. If she seems to respond, then use it consistently. Pick a word that indicates she is smaller and more feminine than you, like "Bunny" or "Rosepetal" . This technique is based on the fact that instinctually women want to feel protected. Imagining herself as smaller makes her feel softer and more willing to yield. In the same vein - carry her to bed. Carry her whenever you get the chance. (Do not blurt out - Boy have you been hitting the potatoes! Bite your dominant lip!)
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Ask about her kids! If you want to gain her trust, she should know that you don't see them as a liability. If you do feel this way, don't go out with her. You think maybe those kids are going to go away? Next!
Pay for her baby sitter, her iguana sitter, and her plane fare. Make it easy for her to say yes to you or to go away with you for a weekend. Do not ask her to go to Fiji with you and expect her to pay her way. Did you know that the inability to pay half for weekend trips or expensive vacations often leads us to refuse these excursions because we don't want to ask, "Are you paying?" (And you thought it was because we were playing hard to get). Rule: You ask, you pay.
Although you may have been taken to the cleaners by your ex, we cannot be held responsible for your dirty laundry.
Clarify your position on having children or daddying hers. Having children is extremely important to most women who are haven't had any.
Chivalry - The Lost Art
Chivalry is a sign of being from a different class of men, a well-bred class. High status equals high mating desirability. Translation: You will attract more women if you do these things. Good manners will make you stand apart from other men in her mind. Perhaps more importantly, women consider chivalrous behavior to be drop dead sexy.
What to do:
- Stand up when she enters the room at formal events.
- Hold her arm as she crosses the street, hold her elbow as she walks over precarious footing.
- Walk on the outside of the sidewalk (in the old days, it protected us from water splashing from carriages in the street). If you cross to the other side of the street, putting you on the inside again, subtly switch positions. Just switch arms, stepping behind her in a smooth motion.
- Hold her chair.
- Light her cigarette.
- Open her car door. Say to her, "Let me get your door." When you return to the car, always unlock her car door first. Never get in first, and make her stand and wait for you to open the door from the inside.
- Wait to make sure that her car starts before you drive off - a must for safety reasons as well! Say to her, "I'll wait to make sure that you get to you car safely."
- Order from the menu for both of you.
Pay the bill. If she offers, you thank her and refuse. Or arrange with the waiter to prepay it during the meal to avoid the struggle. Sometimes a woman will tuck her part of the bill into your pocket. Don't talk about it, just accept.
- Open doors and stand aside so she can go into the elevator first.
- "See her to her door."
- Bring her a single flower on the first date.
Try using chivalry subtly. On the first few dates, she is watching your behavior closely and you are setting the tone for how she will view the relationship. If she looks at you sideways when you act graciously, tell her that you enjoy doing those little things for her. She may be uncomfortable when you to treat her well because it makes her feel vulnerable and in the beginning some women think they need to maintain a sense of control. After she feels safer, she will probably soften up.
If she continues to criticize your efforts to be kind - beware! She may never allow you to get close. Acting tough for fear someone will take advantage of us is a sign of an overly rigid defense system. Allowing someone else to watch over us is healthy, for we are social animals and we need physical affection and care.
Chivalry is nectar from the gods. Women will give way when you sow these seeds of kindness.
"Bait the hook well, this fish will bite." - Shakespeare
Jama Clark, Ph.D. is a certified marriage and family therapist and a nationally recognized expert on mating, interpersonal relationships and evolutionary psychology.
Her work has been featured on talk shows around the country. Her controversial book, What the Hell Do Women Really Want , is available through Amazon.com.
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