by Al Manning
In June of 1994, after five years of marriage, my wife came home and told me she didn't love me anymore. There wasn't anyone else; it was just that her feelings toward me had changed and, according to her, maybe it was because her "hormones just kicked in." At the time she left, she said, "I don't even want to talk about divorce right now; that's too strong a word." However, within about a month, she had filed papers.
Throughout our separation (prior to the divorce being final), we had 50/50 placement of our daughter, Kirsten (now 5). My ex-wife said on several occasions that she would never try to take away any of my time with Kirsten. However, as time progressed, she wanted me to have less and less time with my daughter. By the time our custody hearing arrived in November of 1995, she was only willing to agree to the "traditional" every other weekend and one night a week. She has no problem with my parenting ability and it was quite obvious she was primarily motivated by financial considerations.
Even though during the hearing I addressed all the factors at which the courts look (educational, social, etc.) and my ex-wife addressed none of them, the judge awarded primary placement to her, giving me about 4½ months out of the year with my daughter. I filed a motion asking the judge to reconsider and, after a second hearing, he decided to grant 50/50 placement. It is almost unheard of for a district court judge here to make this type of decision, because the Iowa Supreme Court looks upon these types of arrangements very unfavorably and has always overturned these decisions upon appeal. Fortunately, my ex-wife did not appeal.
I found that, while some of my friends and acquaintances (as well as hers) could not understand why my ex-wife would want to deny me time with my daughter, others felt I should be grateful for what I got. At times I almost felt guilty for not accepting what many would look upon as very liberal visitation, especially considering what a lot of fathers must settle for. However, I stand firm in my conviction that I have as much right to parent my daughter as her mother does and it is in my daughter's best interest to have that contact with me. I did not choose to end the marriage and my daughter and I should not be limited to less than 50% time because her mother's feelings toward me changed. Besides, if primary placement had to be with the one who is considered the "better" parent, there is no doubt in my mind I would be it (contrary to what the court initially ruled).
Having 50/50 placement is a mixed blessing. There are still important issues to be worked out and my ex-wife's primary concern continues to be the amount of child support she will get from me. She is willing to agree on other issues if she gets the amount of money she wants. I should note that she got remarried in April of 1996. Her new husband earns more than I do and she has a full-time job as well. I am supporting myself and my daughter (50% of the time) on my income alone and yet, because of the child support guidelines, I am required to pay her, since my income is higher than hers.
I became interested in F.R.E.E. after searching the Web for something that would help me in my custody fight. I wish I had come across F.R.E.E. sooner; I might have fared better in my first hearing. I pledge to follow the mission statement of F.R.E.E. and work to the best of my ability to make the system a fair one. I believe our top priority should be to work to insure that gender is not a factor when courts make decisions on the placement of children. It is also important to work for fair child support guidelines. The one-size-fits-all approach does not work, in my opinion. This became painfully clear to me when I was unemployed (through no fault of my own) and was forced to pay my wife more than $500 per month in child support, even though she was earning a good income and I had my daughter half the time and paid for at least half of her expenses.
In spite of having to endure what I view as an unjust and unnecessarily expensive process, I am not bitter over what I have experienced. However, it has motivated me to work within the system to help effect positive changes. I look forward to working with everyone who wants to insure equality and equity in the family court system. Please feel free to contact me for any reason.
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