The Backlash! - May 1996

Organization News - Toronto Fathers' Resources
phone: 416-861-0626 fax: 416-861-1932
Canadian Office: 40 Jenoves Place, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M5A 4A7 USA Office: 5 Columba Drive, Suite 168,
Paralegal Products & Services Division, Niagara Falls, New York USA 14305- 2175

Meeting Agenda includes: an introductory talk, new monthly topic and a Q & A session; Learn about available resources in the Greater Toronto Area; Learn some new strategies to improve your situation; Meet other fathers and join a support network; New video topic each month.

The group introduces Dad's to effective communication strategies and techniques. These ingredients are absolutely essential to unravelling complex divorce problems. Further, such skills are necessary to re-establish a minimum level of trust between divorcing parents, in order to make co-parenting a real possibility.

At our meetings, fathers learn how to: Serve their children's best interests; Bring about a fair resolution to divorce issues; What resources are available to them in the GTA; Negotiation and mediation strategies; Techniques to locate, interview and retain competent legal representation whom possess a solid mediation background; Effective presentation of facts in negotiations, mediation, assessment, court; Understand the impact of their communication on the divorce processes they'll face; How to use the above knowledge to circumvent complex divorce problems creatively.

We usually meet the first Monday of each month (except when there is a holiday), our next meeting is Monday April 15th, from 7pm to 9pm. The location for this meeting is at Market Lane Public School, 2nd floor in the Library at 246 The Esplanade, which is only a 10 minute walk south-east of the King Subway station in downtown Toronto. If you're arriving by car, it is two streets south-east of Sherbourne and Front streets' intersection. Please note, call our hotline for location info each month as our locations may change from month to month.... Call our 24 hour hotline at (416) 861-0626 Ext 1

The April 15th meeting topic is: Parenting Diaries - a non-blaming communication tool that can be shared between divorcing parents; used to communicate parental fitness/plans in negotiations, mediation sessions, assessments and litigation; gather the raw data necessary to draft co-parenting/parenting plans.

The Parenting Diary is a system that focuses divorcing parents on their parenting of their children, rather than focusing on blaming each other for the divorce.

The Parenting Diary is versatile tool that Dad and Mom can use to communicate if verbal communication proves difficult. It also serves as a means of developing co- parenting/parenting plans. When reasonable attempts to settle differences of parenting time/access issues reach an impasse, the Parenting Diary functions as an organizing tool for:

• Devising alternative suggestions for consideration of the parents

• Developing a co-parenting/parenting plan for mediation or litigation

• Gathering incremental evidence for the mediation/litigation strategy

This approach enables a father to demonstrate the reasonable incremental and measured steps he took to resolve matters prior to litigation within the context of the legal doctrine known as: "The Reasonable Man".

The Parenting Diary's organizational method and positive focus enables fathers' to primarily concentrate on parenting the child(ren), rather than blaming the ex- spouse.

As a secondary focus The Parenting Diary organizes the raw data necessary for inclusion within litigation strategy. By the means of incremental introduction of evidence, Father's can remain focused on the primary outcome of parenting instead of blaming. The method clearly delineates whether the best interest and rights of the child to resource all available parenting are being met.

The Parenting Diary is a versatile tool for:

• Co-Parenting

• Creating co-parenting or Parenting Plans

• Negotiation

• Mediation

• Arbitartion

• Litigation

The Parenting Diary is available for $49.95 US plus shipping.and can be ordered via by Fathers Resources International or 416-861-0626.

Creating the win-win divorce is difficult, not impossible. The adversarial legal process often leaves children suffering silently, as they pay the brunt of the emotional cost of divorce. Powerful strategies and effective methods do exist to overcome "The Divorce From Hell" and protect kids from the emotional abuse of divorce.

Fatherlessness is the issue of the 90's - a major component in today's troubled youth. Raising one's children, the most significant contribution parents makes to society.

Much evidence exists to suggest kids risk numerous emotional and developmental problems when separated by divorce from their Dad. TORONTO FATHER'S RESOURCES helps Dad's focus on providing continuity, stability, guidance and fatherly love to their kids during divorce. Such an approach is always in children's best interests.

[At the request of F.R.E.E.(tm) we wish to clarify that our FREE meeting means their is no fee/charge for our meetings. We are not a chapter of F.R.E.E.(tm)]

1. Men are rarely advised how to strategize using the intimate knowledge of their situation and spouse. This is the most powerful resource they have, if it is utilized properly.

2. If you're not following your plan, you're following someone else's - maybe a friends, family member or your lawyer. Perhaps it could be an assessor, mediator, or judge using their authority to impose what they believe "could" work.

3. When you let your emotions get the better of you, those with legal authority may be asked to intervene with a plan that they believe will work,even if you know in your heart that their plan is unworkable.

   Someone else's plan may not be in line with the best interests of your children or your goals to maintain your family ties.

4. You may be working against your own best interests and not even realize it. You maybe dealing with someone who is unreasonable. You may not know what is best to do because you lack the experience. You may feel trapped, pressured and angry that no one can help you or explain to you how to make the best of a bad situation - how to make things right. You may believe that no solution is possible.

5. So how do you begin to unravel your divorce problems? You need a core strategy, which is a primary means of solving a problem. It's a plan of action designed to move you forward to the result you want. For example, one successful, yet very simple "core strategy" during divorce is, to maintain, or create open communication with your spouse. Such communication must be well thought out and non-confrontational, focused on possible co-parenting solutions. Alternately, if faced with a recalcitrant wife, this approach lends credibility to the father's claim that he is focused on the best interest of the children.

6. Accept responsibility for your part in the divorce. Don't blame your wife - you'll lose big almost every time. Judges hear the same story every day - it's always the other person's fault. So if Mom has the kids and they "seem" to be OK, they will not upset the apple cart - unless you can distinguish yourself from what they see everyday. Successful custodial fathers know and use this along with other strategies to level the playing field of divorce and custody.

1. Assume responsibility for your situation. Know that you can be part of your child's life. Refuse to believe otherwise. Look for evidence that supports that belief.

2. Take action. Educate yourself as to what tools, products/services and options are available, make plans and follow them.

3. Learn how to quickly size people up and if they are supportive. Learn the art of persuasion. Learn how to influence people. Think the best rather than the worst. People naturally want to help others.

4. Ask yourself: "Is what I'm doing working?" If it isn't, change your strategy until things start moving in the direction you want them to.

5. Find support. Talk with men who have succeeded - carefully weigh and evaluate the advice of those who have no experience or success in divorce matters. Ideally find a successful support group or one-on-one counselor to help you create new ideas and strategies that empower you.

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