"We don't like to believe that mothers may not act in the best interests of the children. But the reality is that there are unnatural mothers, mothers who use their children as weapons."
Guy (he doesn't want his last name used) is one of a growing number of Canadian dads who are taking the arduous, expensive step of trying to prove, in cases of separation and divorce, that they are the more suitable custodial parent. And more of them are succeeding as single heads of family, despite a pervasive cultural bias in favor of mother as the more natural parent.
According to Statistics Canada, more than 168,000 single-parent families -- 17 per cent of Canada's total -- were headed by fathers in 1991, an increase of about 16,000 from 1986. And while these figures don't take into account the number of dads who try unsuccessfully to obtain custody of their children, they are an indication that family mores are changing.
"The question that is being asked more often these days is: what are the best interests of the children?" says Robert DeBou, a Vancouver specialist in family law. "And while the mother may be the more suitable parent, it's not necessarily so. We are all of mother born, and we don't like to believe that mothers may not act in the best interests of the children. But the reality is that there are unnatural mothers, mothers who use their children as weapons."
DeBou is encouraged by a recent B.C. Court of Appeal ruling which puts fathers on an equal footing with mothers in matters of child custody.
The ruling, which affirmed a judgment by the B.C. Supreme Court, seeks to redress the bias against fathers who work outside the home, saying their ability to provide appropriate care is paramount, and dismisses as obsolete the "tender years doctrine" which gives the mother preference in the case of young children. It also states that a parent's hindrance of a child's relationship with the other parent should be a factor in custody proceedings.
"The ruling could be considered a high-water mark," says DeBou. "It signals a whole new evaluation of fathers' parenting abilities and their chances of successfully obtaining custody of their children. But it still depends to a large extent on how these principles are applied. And any man who fights for custody of his kids is still often seen as being unreasonable."
The more pervasive image is that of the "deadbeat dad" who refuses to support his children -- and it's accentuated by the vastly greater number of women who gain custody. In B.C., 97 per cent of the 22,000 custodial parents who are registered with the provincial Family Maintenance Enforcement Program are women. And while 11 per cent of those enrolled have received no payment from their former partner, the reasons for non-payment are sometimes simply that the ex can't afford it, says Roy Dungey, director of maintenance enforcement. And the agency reports that the percentage of non-paying moms and dads is roughly equal.
Guy is more New Age man than deadbeat dad. In the evening and on weekends, he is a study in perpetual motion. While other men might be out drinking with their pals, Guy is at home, shirtsleeves rolled up -- cooking, cleaning, feeding, bouncing his daughters on his knee, hugging them, occasionally hollering, watching their sometimes perilous explorations of the world around them. And while his chances of gaining permanent custody are still statistically slim, he is resolute about the future.
His former partner, now living in Ontario with another man, has the option of challenging his custody order. And he has few illusions that she will do so. In the meantime, he is doing everything possible to demonstrate that he is a competent and caring father. He has his daughters enrolled in educational daycare and is preparing a long-term parenting plan to cover their needs -- from education to "generous" access to their mother.
Guy's custody quest could cost him upwards of $5,000; and his social life is non-existent. "It's tough sometimes," he says. "I don't have any evenings off. I've forgotten what it's like to date. But I've always wanted daughters. All this will be worth it if I can help them grow up to be healthy, happy kids."
Peter Raeside is based in Vancouver, B.C. Reprinted with permission of the Globe and Mail, Canada's national newspaper.